Nothing
was going as I hoped for or planned. Continuing with life simply felt
unbearable. School, relationships and living seemed to take too much effort. Somehow
I convinced myself everything bad that happened to me was my fault, I must be
cursed. So I left a suicide note in my homework folder letting my new family know
I loved them and it was me - not them that was the problem. I was afraid I’d ruin
them too. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for running away from Him, for
taking my life and to please let me come home to heaven to be with him because
I didn't think I could deal with the pain of living anymore. Moments later I swallowed
an entire bottle of medicine prescribed to my foster mom and lay down to die in
my sleep.
Being
an honor roll student before I landed in foster care meant my parents didn't check my homework. That night my foster mom said "something" told her to open it.
Instead of finding my note the next morning she found it an hour after I went
to sleep. I was rushed to the hospital.
My
social worker arranged for me to talk to a psychologist about the things I’d
been through before I was placed in foster care. She and my parents encouraged
me to talk, instead of trying to pretend it never happened. Something amazing occurred,
when I faced my pain I realized it didn't hurt as much anymore. I feared my
parents, family and friends would reject me because of the suicide attempt. Instead
of rejecting me, they loved me more.
I
completed counseling, finished high school and each day life looked brighter. On rare occasions, during a special event like before my senior trip, before I
left for Spelman, the day I was married and the day he became my first paid
reader, my Dad would put his arm around me, squeeze and say “I’m so glad you didn't miss this.”
No matter
how selfish my actions, how much I hurt Him, myself and the others around me God
continued to send goodness and mercy behind me. His mercy and loving-kindness
saved me from myself that night. It has kept me time and time again. I’m
thankful for its benefits new each morning. His mercy literally, saved my life.
Psalm
36:5
Amplified Bible (AMP)
5Your
mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, extend to the skies, and Your faithfulness
to the clouds.
Posted originally on StreamingFaith.com November 27, 2011
Posted originally on StreamingFaith.com November 27, 2011
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